Freedom and the "Restricted Life" viewer

[For general information about D/s relationships in SL see here]

There are (essentially) two parts of the second life software: the software that they run on their servers which keeps track of all the object and avatars in SL - their positions, what their textures are, their scripts etc.; and the software that sits on your computer and communicates with the SL servers which draws what the world looks like to your av camera, including animations, etc. Every time you use the SL viewer interface to do something like sit on something, wear something, type a line of chat etc. it sends this to the servers which make the adjustments to the world as stored on their servers, and it sends back any messages, changes, sounds, animations etc. that may affect your av. In this way the work is divided and the minimum of information is passed back and forth (the "heavy" ones being textures, animations, sounds and videos).

When the Linden corporation designed SL system they tried to ensure that the user always had control - that they could never be forced to do anything, wear anything, sit on anything etc. and always could take things off, TP away, quit, mute, talk, IM etc. In this way they assure their users and help make them feel safe in SL. Thus many kinds of crime are simply impossible in SL - you cant hit anyone, steal anything from anyone, or kidnap anyone if they don't give you express permission to do these things. Undoubtedly this safety (along with the RL/SL anonymity) encourages people to explore activities they would not dream to trying in RL.

One such activity that people try in SL they would never dream of trying in RL is BSDM activities. The fact that there is no pain in SL and that one can always escape from anything gives people the confidence to explore some taboo and robust fantasies in SL, for if things get to unpleasant one can always TP away at the touch of a button. It is one thing giving allowing someone to roleplay tying you up in SL where you know you will be able to escape and yet another in RL where you have to be able to rely on the person tying you that they will release you whenever you wish. Thus BDSM is a much more common and obvious activity in SL than it is in RL - and not *just* because people are embarrassed about admitting it.

What normally happens in D/s where one person has control over another is that it relies upon a (usually implicit) agreement between the parties that the submissive will do what the Dominant says, for example staying in the cage rather than TPing away. The ultimate sanction here is that the relationship will end, thus a submissive is not totally free to do what they want since it may come at the cost of the relationship with their Domme ending - but no more than this. Thus if their relationship is giving the submissive pleasure overall then they may well choose to obey some otherwise unpleasant orders from their Dommes (like sitting bored in a cage). If their relationship is not providing these benefits then it is highly likely that the submissive will simply walk away and seek a better relationship. Thus a Domme does have to give the submissive enough of what they want (in some ultimate sense), if they want to keep dominating the submissive.

This consensual basis of Ds in SL is enhanced by a number of devices which essentially stop cheating -- that is ones that reinforce the above understanding by making it difficult to say you will obey but really do not. So that there are many collars that will allow the Domme to directly control and restrict the submissive (for example making them kneel) which will tell the Domme via IM if the collar is detached. Thus if the submissive wants to keep to the understanding then they can not take off the collar (without a discussion with the Domme at least). Other devices such as handcuffs and cages work on the same basis. These reinforce the experience of deliberate loss of control, since it makes it difficult to not follow through the decision made with the agreement - one can do things like escape bondage but only at the risk of canceling the basic agreement. However from moment to moment one has to decide to keep to the agreement, to follow the role play.

The "Restricted Life" viewer is an alternative to the standard Second Life viewer that one installs on your own computer. It looks and behaves in many of the same ways. However it is designed to deliberately not allow the obvious escape routes that are so fundamental to the standard viewer. In conjunction with scripted items that you can attach it can prevent you TPing away, or returning to home once you relog. It can stop you being able to "stand up" from a suitably scripted object yourself or sitting on an object more than 1.5 metres away. If the scripted items are so set it can prevent you detaching them at all and can even be set to prevent you using IM or to force you to only use "mouselook". Using the combination of the Restricted Life viewer and attachment scripted to work with it, one can be imprisoned with no escape and quite closely controlled by a Domminant.

Of course this level of control, although much greater than possible normally is possible to escape from. You can reinstall the standard viewer and then TP away or detach the scripted items etc. The scriped items will still warn the Dominant of this and this may effectively end the agreement and possibly the relationship between Domminant and submissive. However this is a big and active set - from moment to moment if they are not going to take the big step, the submissive can be restricted and controlled in a detailed way. There is always the quit button, but unless one goes back to the standard viewer when you log back in the av will be in the same position as before.

I have not used this technology with my submissive, since what I value is that she wants to obey me - I enjoy the complex dominance of a relationship rather than the simpler dominance made possible with technology. That is a personal choice due, in part, to the way I use SL - as an extension of my life and not as a game. For me the trade of satisfying her needs for attention, constraint, safety, belonging, sex etc. in return for control and love is satisfying in a deep way *because* it is based on our real emotions and not on any 'trick' of the technology.

However, many submissives actively choose to install and use the Restricted Life technology even before they enter a D/s relationship - the idea of being able to loose control is what excites them. So they seek to be able to do this as thoroughly as possible. Yes some Dommes insist upon this technology due to the control it gives them over the submissive, but the main advantage is that it can make the experience more intense and real for the submissive. As one put it to me "I don't have to deal with the Stand Up button looking at me at the bottom of my screen". They still have choice, but the choice is an all-or-nothing choice that can fade into the background rather than a moment-by-moment detailed choice. Thus once immersed in the situation they have chosen it can be that they have effectively chosen to give up choice.

Of course at the moment such defection is a matter of taste and trivial choice. The most these people will loose if they revert to the standard viewer is a possible loss of a Domme and their previous lack of choice. This may not, of course, be a trivial choice since this relationship might be very important to them indeed (not to mention the fact that there is a relative shortage of Dommes - see previous article). However for many people these things are not insurmountable losses, and so they still do have effective choice in the end.

In the future things may not be so clear. Once the use of SL becomes more entangled with RL, becomes more part of RL the costs of defection might be quite great. There are people employed in real jobs in SL, customising landscapes and homes for rent using relatively cheap Chinese labourers for example. There are students who attend some real classes with their lecturers in SL. What happens if this company or that university decides to insist on the Restricted Life viewer for their employees or students? Yes they can maybe get better value out of the use of SL by preventing their employees or students IMing with their friends in SL whilst they should be working or studying. The students or employees could be literally chained to their desks!!!

This raises the basic question of "human rights" (or should that be "avatar rights"). Does a human have a right to use a avatar that can IM with its friends when it is being paid to work? Does a student have a right to be able to TP away from their class, when they have signed up to listen to a lecture? We *do* accept that an employee may not be free to do as they wish whilst at their place of work (e.g. smoke, or use the computers for internet shopping), but are their limits to this? Just saying that one can always quit ones employment is not a total answer, since many people are sufficiently desperate for work that they effectively have not choice (or the choice is too drastic, having to choose between health care for their children and these freedoms).

Even the quit button is not sacrosanct, in a future where your computer and the running scripts in your SL are performing vital functions for you (e.g. earning your money, or monitoring the safety of your child) you may not even be able to quit. You may not have even the choice of turning your computer off.

San Mauvaise

Information about the Marine "Restrained Life" viewer can be found at:
https://wiki.secondlife.com/wiki/Alternate_viewers#Marine_Edition

World-wide Domme Shortage!

[for background to D/s see my article "Confessions of a loving Domme"]

An outsider looking at a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship would probably think that it was more desirable to be the Dominant, having a person who would do (within limits etc.) whatever they wanted. They would wonder why anybody ever wanted to be a submissive, at the beck and call of someone else. After all in RL, we are often frustrated by those we have to obey (bosses, teachers, politicians, etc.), why would we when we have complete choice (as one does in SL) ever want yet another boss?

Yet the facts are undeniable, in Second Life there are far more people who want to be submissives (subs) than those wishing to be Dominants - at least two submissives for each dominant. Unsurprisingly there are even fewer female dominants (Dommes). That means that there are quite a few lesbian subs looking for a match.

But the more interesting question is why should this be. Why do more so many actively seek a Mistress/Master in SL? Why are many more wishing to be controlled than to control? The short answer is that I don't know, but can speculate about some of the reasons. [in the below I will only talk about female D/s since this is all I have experience of]

The first (and to me most obvious) answer is that being a sub is more enjoyable than being a Domme - the intense buzz gained from being a submissive is better than that gained from being a Domme. The combination of fear, endorphins, sex and helplessness can produce an emotion (called by some "subspace") that is unrivaled in its intensity - joy, pleasure, peace, excitement and adrenaline all mixed up! The pleasures of Domming are more abstract and less immediate - creativity, control, energy, excitement and service. Many who have good submissive experiences seek it again (though there are plenty of bad submissive experiences as well).

The second possibility is that Domming takes a lot more effort and creativity. It just seems a lot easier to put oneself in someone else's power and wish them to create the experiences you want. If you are a sub you can *just* do what your Domme says and experience the results. Of course a good sub can be just as creative and active in a relationship, but it will not immediately fall apart if they are not. Whilst the Domme does *have* to take the lead and direct what happens (this is, after all, the essence).

Thirdly and more deeply is the issue of responsibility and guilt. If you are a Domme you have the immediate responsibility for what happens - if something goes wrong and genuinely distresses the sub, it is you who has "done" it. If you are someone who is prone to or laden with guilt you might well avoid being a Domme - you may know that a sub wants you to do something 'bad' to them (indeed really begging you to) but you might have reflexes that make you *feel* guilty doing this all the same. If you are a sub you can just obey and be free from guilt as a result. Of course in a good and active relationship both sides take equal responsibility - communicating what they want and forgiving others if they make genuine mistakes.

Lastly, there is the possibility that many of those involved in D/s are 'unbalanced' in some way - submissives being the results of depressives with low self-esteem and Dommes being mini-psychopaths/narcissists who basically don't care about others. Whilst there are undoubtedly some narcissistic Dominants and depressive submissives, they are far from the majority among those I have met. Yes I meet a highly unrepresentative sample, but do meet quite a few of both.

Of course this is a small world we are talking about (those with D/s leanings) most people are neither or not significantly either D or s.

San Mauvaise

Confessions of a Loving Domme

I am a Domme, that is I have a relationship with a (lovely) submissive woman where, within negotiated limits, she is under my control. Often denoted as a D/s relationship (D for dominant, s for submissive). This relationship suits both of us - meeting emotional and sexual needs of each. I get: a huge emotional charge of erotic feelings and creative energy, as well as receiving heaps of love, service and devotion - she gets: a lot of care and attention; excitement; a "letting-go" that comes of not having to decide anything; and *intense* sexual/endorphin highs. These emotions are extensions of common emotions experienced with sex and love - when in love one can often feel waves of submissiveness, wanting to do ridiculous things to prove/show ones devotion - similarly one can be hit with impulses to posses and control the person you desire. D/s is simply when these sorts of emotion are long-standing and openly expressed.

Many D/s relationships (but not all) involve fetish elements, that is involving some aspects like: pain; humiliation, control, bondage, exhibitionism, sexually explicit clothing, rules as well as fantasy recreations of such as: imprisonment, abduction, and forced sex. These elements are generally what is indicated by the initials BDSM - but this is another broad, catch-all phrase. This is due to the fact both D/s and BDSM are associated with a related series of human responses and emotions, and that to do BDSM role play involves control. However I think it is also due to the fact that a D/s structure to a relationship facilitates the exploration of taboo areas - it provides a framework and an emotional license. The D partner is freed from normal constraints of what is socially acceptable as a result of being in command, and the s partner is free to experience taboo sensations without feeling guilty about it. It is almost universal for there to be implicit or explicit negotiation about what sort of things the s wants to be "forced" to do.

So although D/s and BDSM are closely associated they are not necessarily connected. There are D/s relationships that do not involve any fetish elements at all, indeed some that do not involve sexual aspects at all. Likewise there are people who use BDSM in their sex or role play without there being any spill over into their day-to-day relationship - they are as assertive in the workplace or with their children as anyone, but submissive in the bedroom (or the reverse). In fact the later (occasionally BDSM play) is far more common in RL than a longer-term D/s structured relationship. In SL the situation is a little bit different since people come to SL to play (in this sense). Thus within SL there are many who enter a longer-term D/s relationship in order to experience BDSM, because for them SL is all play. There are others for whom SL is a part of their "serious" life in some sense - they don’t play but live SL - for them they may choose to have occasional role-play sessions within SL, either with casual partners or within distinct "scenes" with longer-term partners. There are a few, like me, who both live SL and enter a longer-term D/s relationship - this involves a considerable emotional and time commitment, not to mention a responsibility to the safety of their partner(s). There are even a few people who are in long-term ("lifestyle") D/s relationships in RL, but come into SL to explore further!

Yes we are playing with some dark emotions here! Our interaction includes things that are totally taboo in normal life - that would be simply wrong if it were not for the fact that we *both* enjoy it and it is fundamentally consensual (that is either of us could just stop at any time and we are not forced into this by economic or other circumstances). It is also not without psychological dangers - this is very like an "extreme sport", you get the adrenaline rush and excitement but you also need good preparation and safeguards. It is for this reason that some generally agreed norms and procedures have been developed to allow for the exploration of these kinds of experiences at the same time as keeping everybody from serious harm. The three main principles have been given the acronym: SSC: Safe, Sane and Consensual - these are overriding principles, that should be taken above any other considerations (such as fun or desire). Any practice should be safe - that is not cause any permanent and/or serious injury to the body of any participant; it should protect sanity - that is not be injurious to the mental health of any participant and it should be fundamentally consensual.

The last of the above three is a little tricky to implement since in play "no don't spank me" might actually really mean "please spank me"! There are several main ways to get around this problem and ensure consent is really and currently given. The first of these is the use of a formal agreement about the limits of control and the kinds of things that the s wants/is willing/is unwilling to experience. There is a common and intimidating list of BDSM practices which some Dommes get their subs to fill in before they start playing/interacting seriously, but it is more common for people to just negotiate in rough terms these likes/dislikes/limitations. The second is the use of a safeword - this is a special word (not "no" or "stop" for obvious reasons) that can be used by either s or D to cause a cease to all activities and initiate communication between partners. This gives a safe guard to both the s (they can stop play if it goes too far) but also to the D partner who can have some reassurance that the sub begging for release before them is actually enjoying it and not really wanting release. Special extensions of this are needed when gags etc are used, but in SL the use of private IM between D and s is an ideal channel for this sort of message and negotiation. The third mechanism is that of an off-line communication medium whereby partner can honestly communicate how they felt about what went on, via a journal accessible to the other, or in the case of SL emails.

"OK, OK so what do D/s people actually do, sexually speaking?" is the obvious question. Well I can't tell you in general, any more than I could tell you what people do together in any other intimate way. I have talked to people, read what people have written, but really I can only talk authoritatively about my own experience. What I do may well not be representative of what others do! I am not aware of any surveys similar to those of normal (sometimes called "vanilla" by D/s folk) sexual behavior. Just like any loving/sexual behavior it is very personal and intimate - depending more than anything on the person you are with, not the actions you take. So I am afraid if you are reading this for intimate details, you are going to be disappointed - retelling what I have done without the loving context it is done in would be simply misleading. Compare the case to trying to understand sex for the first time and only having a dry telling of its mechanics.

For most of my time in SL my sexual relationships have been entirely non-BDSM, that is straight forward lesbian love affairs. I am extremely sensitive to my partner's wishes - there is nothing that gives me deeper pleasure than loving the whole person I care about, including their sexuality. There is a deep joy to be had in satisfying ones partner's sexual fantasies/needs far more than they had ever expected. Loving people like this can make them feel whole - at last they can be loved for who they are as a complete person, including any sexuality that they had previously "boxed-up" in their head as socially unacceptable. Thus I have done some things that might be considered more extreme for the people I care about in SL, including being their sub (which I loved), letting them suck my blood, make love in a closed coffin, and pulling them through public places naked and chained. There are only three rules when it comes to sex: don't harm people, respect and care for your partner, and (if you able) try to satisfy your partner's needs. If an action gives pleasure (especially mutual pleasure), then it can be used to convey love and care. BDSM can be very much a way of both caring and "making love".

Like other sex this can be used for good or ill. There are some selfish, nasty or simply sick people out there being Dommes (or subs) and causing emotional distress to others or themselves - but this is the same as with other relationships. One needs to choose one's partners with care - one does not have sex with anyone (if you are wise) - this is doubly true with D/s or BDSM. Taking time to get to know someone before committing is always a good idea - and if the person is not willing to do this, to put in time and energy developing a deeper relationship then this tells you a lot about that person - D/s is not different in these fundermentals than any other relationship, but based on fundermental respect, care and communication.

I do not pretend that I am acting altruistically in this - I do enjoy domination - otherwise I could not do it well. You can no more pretend to be a Domme or a sub that you can pretend to be a lesbian - it is something that is built into you or not (at least by the time you are an adult). However, because my sexuality is intimately bound up with loving and caring, I can only enjoy it if my partner is as well (just like any sex). I presently have both a normal lover in SL and a devoted sub. I am committed to both these relationships, to caring and loving them in their different ways, although if my lover asked me to, I would drop the D/s relationship because my love for her is paramount.

I get great pleasure and joy from caring for and dominating my sub and she gets great pleasure for being cared for and submitting to me. It suits us both. It is a vehicle for our care and love (respectively). It is good. If you want to know whether you have any similar feelings in you, try this simple thing with your partner - try dancing somewhere romantic (an intimate salsa, tango or slow dance is best) but where one of you is handcuffed (the dominatech cuffs available at slexchange.com or Venus (224, 242, 28) are simplest and most effect here because they work well with dance animations) - see how you feel. I have yet to find anyone who does not find it deeply erotic - it is definitely one of my favorites!

San Mauvaise

Resources

If you are genuinely interested in this, I suggest you DO NOT type BDSM into Google and keep your eyes open! That will get you lots of images designed to titillate male fantasy but will not help you understand real D/s and BDSM sexuality. Imagine trying to understand sex by just looking at pornography - it is the same with BDSM.

There are two good books about BDSM, called "The New Topping Book" and "The New Bottoming Book" by Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy that go into this in detail. They are mostly concerned with RL and have only one chapter on using the internet and longer-term D/s relationships but still are marked out as being insightful, sensible and humane. (available at amazon, e.g. http://www.amazon.com/New-Topping-Book-Dossie-Easton/dp/ and http://www.amazon.com/New-Bottoming-Book-Janet-Hardy/dp/ similar bookshops).

I am not going to show pictures of people involved in D/s or BDSM here, for fear of attracting merely prurient interest. However you can find picks from SL on flickr using this search (or similar): http://www.flickr.com/search/?q=secondlife+bdsm

If you think the above is (as Freud characterized it) simply pathological, I suggest you read an article called "Psychology And BDSM: Pathology Or Individual Difference?" at http://ipgcounseling.com/psychology_and_bdsm.html

If you feel this is a part of you (either D or s or both), then I suggest you gradually experiment with someone you love and trust - talking about your experiences together. There are various places in SL that claim to teach D/s and BDSM, but I cannot say that I recommend them since they can only really deal with the mechanics and not the emotional component (which is, after all, the point) - they tend to reinforce stereotypes rather than promote good D/s relationships.