Monday, March 24, 2008

World-wide Domme Shortage!

[for background to D/s see my article "Confessions of a loving Domme"]

An outsider looking at a D/s (Dominant/submissive) relationship would probably think that it was more desirable to be the Dominant, having a person who would do (within limits etc.) whatever they wanted. They would wonder why anybody ever wanted to be a submissive, at the beck and call of someone else. After all in RL, we are often frustrated by those we have to obey (bosses, teachers, politicians, etc.), why would we when we have complete choice (as one does in SL) ever want yet another boss?

Yet the facts are undeniable, in Second Life there are far more people who want to be submissives (subs) than those wishing to be Dominants - at least two submissives for each dominant. Unsurprisingly there are even fewer female dominants (Dommes). That means that there are quite a few lesbian subs looking for a match.

But the more interesting question is why should this be. Why do more so many actively seek a Mistress/Master in SL? Why are many more wishing to be controlled than to control? The short answer is that I don't know, but can speculate about some of the reasons. [in the below I will only talk about female D/s since this is all I have experience of]

The first (and to me most obvious) answer is that being a sub is more enjoyable than being a Domme - the intense buzz gained from being a submissive is better than that gained from being a Domme. The combination of fear, endorphins, sex and helplessness can produce an emotion (called by some "subspace") that is unrivaled in its intensity - joy, pleasure, peace, excitement and adrenaline all mixed up! The pleasures of Domming are more abstract and less immediate - creativity, control, energy, excitement and service. Many who have good submissive experiences seek it again (though there are plenty of bad submissive experiences as well).

The second possibility is that Domming takes a lot more effort and creativity. It just seems a lot easier to put oneself in someone else's power and wish them to create the experiences you want. If you are a sub you can *just* do what your Domme says and experience the results. Of course a good sub can be just as creative and active in a relationship, but it will not immediately fall apart if they are not. Whilst the Domme does *have* to take the lead and direct what happens (this is, after all, the essence).

Thirdly and more deeply is the issue of responsibility and guilt. If you are a Domme you have the immediate responsibility for what happens - if something goes wrong and genuinely distresses the sub, it is you who has "done" it. If you are someone who is prone to or laden with guilt you might well avoid being a Domme - you may know that a sub wants you to do something 'bad' to them (indeed really begging you to) but you might have reflexes that make you *feel* guilty doing this all the same. If you are a sub you can just obey and be free from guilt as a result. Of course in a good and active relationship both sides take equal responsibility - communicating what they want and forgiving others if they make genuine mistakes.

Lastly, there is the possibility that many of those involved in D/s are 'unbalanced' in some way - submissives being the results of depressives with low self-esteem and Dommes being mini-psychopaths/narcissists who basically don't care about others. Whilst there are undoubtedly some narcissistic Dominants and depressive submissives, they are far from the majority among those I have met. Yes I meet a highly unrepresentative sample, but do meet quite a few of both.

Of course this is a small world we are talking about (those with D/s leanings) most people are neither or not significantly either D or s.

San Mauvaise


Karin said...

I love being a femdomme and in my radio show I love talking about all kinds of fun humiliation topics. It's live on Second Life and on Internet Radio. I can't imagine being a submissive, but to each his or her own, I guess.

Princess Karin/Aeval Okelly

Anonymous said...

I love being domme in SL but I also take my time getting to know potential subs. Like anything else it takes time to get to know another and find if what the sub is looking for fits your style as domme. Too often I encounter those just playing at being sub, not real subs. I do have to say most dommes do end up turning may subs away because a fit doesnt exist. Too many I have enconter want to be center of attention and top from below.

Anonymous said...

First wow, thank for taking the time to write this. I have seen much the same in SL. Although I am not sure it's a lack of doms, but a lack of doms who take the time to care about the girls. I have seen too many with huge groups of girls and things of that nature. I also take my time with a new sub. Making sure that she is comfortable with me and my other girls. I think the other thing I have seen that really hurts girls is when a Mistress decides to become a sub to another Mistress. I have seen a lot of subs get confused by this and feel abandoned.
Thanks again for writing this.

Anonymous said...

Another reason that makes it easier being the sub: money. It costs a lot of money to provide for oneself, let alone two or more. House rent, clothes, toys, etc. all adds up. That's not the only reason I'm a sub, of course, I like giving up control, but money is a limiting factor even in SL.